Being Mommy

It has been over four months since I have been one. It has been exactly a year since I have known that I was gonna be one soon. However, I am still conflicted about the whole thing. No, do not even think for a fleeting moment that I do not abso-fucking-lutely love being a mommy! For I love my baby and everything he brings with him.

Yes, I love waking up every hour in the night to check on him when he is unwell. For when he recovers and gives me his brilliant smile, my heart melts into a puddle of hot chocolate love. I love his dependency on me for everything – for food, sleep, physical and emotional comfort, even though it can become frustrating at a given moment, it still remains a precious feeling.

Then why would I say that I am conflicted? I am conflicted about how I feel about other things in my life after having him. I have always loved being a career woman and taken great pleasure in directing all my energy in getting stuff done in office. But suddenly, I want to preserve every iota of my energy for my baby.

I have been a movie buff for over two decades now but I do not miss not being able to go to the theater often. (Of course, being able to watch almost everything at home might have something to do with this one.) There are things that I miss. Like being able to sip wine carelessly, or sit in a coffee shop and read a book for as long as I felt like, and so on, but would I trade changing nappies or burping baby to have any of this back? Completely out of question.

But I am still conflicted as I do not want to be doing anything that does not directly make my little baby a happier baby. However, I know that if I do not go on with my life it will only hurt me and the little guy going forward. I need to have my regular life, I need to do all things practical, and I need to be my own person, just not a mommy. But being his mommy is so rewarding that doing anything else pales in comparison.

In a nutshell, my life has become a game of little boy versus the world, and the little boy is winning.

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One Response to “Being Mommy”

  1. Aw. Motherhood does change every woman’s heart then.

    Big love to the little guy.

    xx

    M.

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